Courage My Love - March 1/11

 This may be the week we find out about Andrea's transplant, as to whether or not they will go ahead, because right now, her kidneys are starting to fail. Worst case scenario, she dies. Next worse, after the lung transplant, the kidneys fail and she needs dyalisis (sp??). What's the choice. Without any transplant, she will die, from either lung failure or kidney failure. With the transplant, chances of surviving the transplant are good, but chances are high there will be kidney failure. It is a continuous round of tests and more tests, doctors and more doctors right now. Wonder why the health care bill is so high? We must be into it for over a million so far. That's what it is there for, so  none may be missed. No, it's not perfect, but at least we have a fighting chance without losing everything, that she will come out of this okay.

At work, Mikey (of the men in tight underpants) tendered his resignation. He will be missed. I slapped Dunc's resume in immediately. We'll see where that goes. Hope he gets in, it would be nice to work with someone sane again.

Do you know, that the less you do, the less you want to do? Case in point - me. Here at work I am using 1/10 of 1/10 of 1/10 of available brain resources  (which even I can figure out is 1/1000th) and yet I find myself strangely lacking movtivation to do anything. The bloom is off the rose with this job, as it has been with every job I have ever had, difference being, I will stick with this one to the bitter end. It's mindless but it pays well. I just got my yearly bonus, 10G which is not so bad, plus a raise, plus a cost of living raise. Yeah, so it's boring but so what? It lets me live indoors and eat warm food.

I'm trying to fight off the bad character traits that have saddled me, even crippled me, my entire life. I am sarcastic (only now I try and keep it to the voice in my head), petty (almost trucluent at times) and I get sucked into the emotional maelstrom of what is going on around me, plus I have this stupid stupid need for attention. So at work, everyone is bitter or so it seems. The company sucks, management is stupid, that guy is an asshole and while for the most part, it is true, I am making a concerted effort not to feed that dragon. Then there is the pettiness issue, what an awful character trait that is, someone pisses me off and I can spend a great deal of time making their life miserable by being a petty bitch. What a waste of my energy, so mostly now, I just let it go. Or I imagine extracting some suitable revenge, and then let it go. Imagining it is probably more satisfying than actually doing it. The letting go part is the most important however.

I guess because I was neither the oldest or the youngest child I always felt I never got my fair share of attention for being - well you name it - smart, pretty, funny - whatever. So I have noticed that I tend to try and get that attention from others in my life. No one is smarter than I am, no one is funnier than I am and as for pretty, well heck that one never had a chance. None of that is true however, but I have spent considerable time and energy trying to fill that hole inside me that craves attention. The need is dwindling, now I find myself craving a lack of attention. Fading into the background is much more pleasurable that being out front and yelling "Hey what about me, look at me!!"

I guess what I am saying here, is that stuff that once was important to me, is no longer so important. What is important is that I take care of myself, pay my bills, enjoy my hobbies and just enjoy life by not wasting so much energy on shit that never mattered. I am living like a millionaire, well in theory anyway. I do what I want when I want (with the exception of the work thing) and I go where I want, when I want and I don't answer to anyone. My own company is pleasurable, in fact I am one of the greatest people I know and while I don't have many friends, I have a fair amount of acquaintences and what friends I have are good ones. Good friends are the ones that let you sleep on their couch without asking any questions. Even if it is for a week. If I do something for someone, it is because I want to, not have to.

So maybe a leopard can change their spots. I think it is just self awareness that I am feeling. I am pretty confident in who I am, what I am good at and what floats my boat. My life is simple, not cluttered, full of good food, good books and good people. I am where I want to be. It is a good place. It has not always been so simple or so easy, there were days and times and relationships and jobs that were hell on earth and I kept at it, or let it go, because I thought I had to, or someone thought I had to. Not any more, being me is much easier than it ever was, not that it is without it's pitfalls. Even on a good day, being me takes courage, my love.