Where does the time go? Zipping by like the TGV. It's not that I haven't blogged for the last two weeks, it's just that I haven't published my blog. So, on this side of the fence, the weather sucks, we are in the darkest days of winter, works sucks, we are still laying people off and life sucks, my son in law has cancer in his eye.
It is very difficult to be upbeat today, but if I can think of three things that are good, then maybe it will restore balance in my universe... it's supposed to be sunny tomorrow, we are ever hopeful about the weather, I still have a job, which means living indoors and eating warm food, and the cancer will respond well to radiation.
What I have been doing these last two weeks is the mundane bits of life that seem to consume me these days. I clean the house, I do the laundry, I go to work, I get groceries, I bake, I cook. Silly me, but I am actually looking forward to adding gardening to the list. I am also writing a story. I have always had the creative side of my being, and that has usually expressed itself with my camera or my paints, or some other "artsy" part of me, but it has been a long time since I have written anything but a blog and email.
So therein lies the challenge, a plot, characters and satisfying prose all wrapped up in a story. What started this story, was sadly - an obituary I read in the paper. I know, I know - you are thinking "Oh my god, what a loser, she reads the obits". Well let me tell you at my age, it is a pretty satisfying thing to do, on two levels. One if I am reading them, then gosh, I am not in them! Two, it is sadly reassuring that a lot of people are dying that are a lot younger than me, so I must be doing something right...
Anyway, there was this obituary that caught my eye. I read it, then I read it again, and then later I went back and read it one more time. I thought to myself "What the hell??". It went something like this .... (with the names changed of course)
Mary Beth Smith passed away on Saturday. Mary was born in 1923 in Wherever, Canada and lived most of her life in British Columbia. She and her husband Joe raised 5 children. The last 18 months of my mothers life were filled with pain and suffering and indignity. If I and my two children were sole custodians of her care, we would have ensured that she spent her last days in a place where she would have thrived, and left us in peace. Thanks mom for hanging on until we could say our goodbyes. No service by request.
Jeepers, that's nasty. Or is it? Is it sour grapes by some child who was not the primary care giver, or was there some other story behind this. So I started to think about what could have happened both in Mary's life and in the lives of her children, to have arrived at a place where you would leave such a vitriolic obituary.
That's where I am, writing about this woman's story. About abandonment, about loss of dignity, about the end of life, about families and how they explode, and about how the hate that is left acts like acid on the soul. Yes, writing, like dying takes courage my love....
COURAGE MY LOVE... May you have the courage you need to be the person you want to be.
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Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Courage My Love - January 11, 2011
Okay let's start on the upside with a picture. I have been slacking in getting the old clicker out, but I love looking at my older photos, because they always bring back something good...
Okay this is Manion Bay at Bowen Island. One of my favourite spots in the world. Even though it is a short 10 minute ferry trip from the mainland, it is like going to a parallel universe. Well not exactly parallel, slightly out of sync for sure. There is island time, first breakfast and second breakfast, tidal watch, boat watch, sunset watch, sunrise watch, deer watch, you can tell it is a busy place.
I used to sail here back in the day when I had a boat, not an especially wonderful time in my life because I spent most of the time plotting how to tie the anchor to the first mates leg, chuck it over board and make it look like an accident. Never matter, he's gone now, and life is good. I have spent several weeks there since the sailing days, once with the Dunc (best guy friend ever) and a few times with friends in cottages. Well they weren't always in cottages, they came out sometimes. You know what I mean, we rented cottages. Our favourites are the ones at the marina in Snug Cove (doesn't the name Snug Cove just make you feel all safe in the harbour??).
This is the view from up the hill. Sailboats anchored in the bay, the coastal mountains as the backdrop, ferries chugging in and out. It's about as perfect a place as I've ever found. Full of nothing but good reading, good sleeping and good eating.
You know the song, If I had a million dollars, well here is where you would find me, not that a million dollars woud buy much on the island, but a shack on the backside of paradise would do...
If I had a do over of my life there is a couple of things I would have liked to do and places I would like to have visited.
I would have liked to be a detective. Not the cop kind of detective, but the Nick and Nora, or Lord Lynly, Kinsey Milhone or Dave Robichaud type of detective. One that has crazy side kicks, noble but misguided friends, the one that finds some kind of justice, maybe not solace, but just balances the universe a little better than it was.
I would have liked to live on an island. Maybe Bowen, maybe somewhere else, we have a great selection here.
Are the two likes mutually exclusive? Could I be a detective on an island? Seriously, how much crime and mystery can one island have? I guess plenty if it is visited by a lot of people (tourists, summer folk) and boats (sailboats, fishing boats).
It's not like I am dead or dying, these are just kind of things I would do if I had an extra life. I am actually pretty satisfied with what I have done in my life and the places I have been. I probably still have lots of life left so maybe I will get a chance to do both of these things in my life.... and as you know, my life takes courage my love....
I used to sail here back in the day when I had a boat, not an especially wonderful time in my life because I spent most of the time plotting how to tie the anchor to the first mates leg, chuck it over board and make it look like an accident. Never matter, he's gone now, and life is good. I have spent several weeks there since the sailing days, once with the Dunc (best guy friend ever) and a few times with friends in cottages. Well they weren't always in cottages, they came out sometimes. You know what I mean, we rented cottages. Our favourites are the ones at the marina in Snug Cove (doesn't the name Snug Cove just make you feel all safe in the harbour??).
This is the view from up the hill. Sailboats anchored in the bay, the coastal mountains as the backdrop, ferries chugging in and out. It's about as perfect a place as I've ever found. Full of nothing but good reading, good sleeping and good eating.
You know the song, If I had a million dollars, well here is where you would find me, not that a million dollars woud buy much on the island, but a shack on the backside of paradise would do...
If I had a do over of my life there is a couple of things I would have liked to do and places I would like to have visited.
I would have liked to be a detective. Not the cop kind of detective, but the Nick and Nora, or Lord Lynly, Kinsey Milhone or Dave Robichaud type of detective. One that has crazy side kicks, noble but misguided friends, the one that finds some kind of justice, maybe not solace, but just balances the universe a little better than it was.
I would have liked to live on an island. Maybe Bowen, maybe somewhere else, we have a great selection here.
Are the two likes mutually exclusive? Could I be a detective on an island? Seriously, how much crime and mystery can one island have? I guess plenty if it is visited by a lot of people (tourists, summer folk) and boats (sailboats, fishing boats).
It's not like I am dead or dying, these are just kind of things I would do if I had an extra life. I am actually pretty satisfied with what I have done in my life and the places I have been. I probably still have lots of life left so maybe I will get a chance to do both of these things in my life.... and as you know, my life takes courage my love....
Friday, January 7, 2011
Courage My Love - January 7, 2011
Like most people, when someone does not understand what I just said to them, I figure it's their fault. Usually it is, communication is not my weak spot. Today though, I had to question myself, either that or the universe just had a major dump of stupid on my work crew....
At the start of the shift, I told the guys "You are doing blah, blah on boat 5182 only" Then I repeated it, not the new boat, but boat 5182. Pretty clear. What ever you are doing, it should be off of boat 5182.
About an hour into the shift, this guy comes to me and says "I can't find these blah blahs, so I went to another location and took some off the boat that just arrived". I asked if he actually went to the actual location and looked for these blah, blahs. He said , no actually, he hadn't because he knew they weren't there because that location was full of completely different blah blahs. So I sent him out to look and guess what, there they were! So stop working on the new boat and finish freakin boat 5182.
Later on, another guy was working off a list of blah blahs and came to the end of the list and asked for the next assignment, which I give to him. I run a completion list and he missed one. Well he didn't miss it, he brought it into the shop and took it back out again but did not enter any completion in the computer. I tell him and then say "I need the serial number of the installation" so he goes out and brings me back the serial number of the blah blah, not the item we installed. Freakin Jesus, I want to slap them! It looked like they were playing stupid again, and stupid was winning. You know what they say about "assume".
I cannot believe they pay people this much to do work like this, which I can't tell you what it is because I would have to kill you. It is simple but repetitive work, and yet they try to turn it into rocket science, which it is so clearly NOT.
Oh well, poor them, they just have to put up with me when they piss me off. Most of them, heck all of them are really great people and they are either working over or under their capabilities, which makes for a challenge any way you look at it. So to cheer myself up, I will share a picture with you.
This is my best, most famous picture. It is called "Morgan and the world upside down". It is Morgan the dog standing at the edge of the mighty Fraser River, what you see at the top of the picture is the trees on the other side of the river reflecting into the river. Lucky shot, but a prize winner none the less....
Somedays, being me takes courage my love...
At the start of the shift, I told the guys "You are doing blah, blah on boat 5182 only" Then I repeated it, not the new boat, but boat 5182. Pretty clear. What ever you are doing, it should be off of boat 5182.
About an hour into the shift, this guy comes to me and says "I can't find these blah blahs, so I went to another location and took some off the boat that just arrived". I asked if he actually went to the actual location and looked for these blah, blahs. He said , no actually, he hadn't because he knew they weren't there because that location was full of completely different blah blahs. So I sent him out to look and guess what, there they were! So stop working on the new boat and finish freakin boat 5182.
Later on, another guy was working off a list of blah blahs and came to the end of the list and asked for the next assignment, which I give to him. I run a completion list and he missed one. Well he didn't miss it, he brought it into the shop and took it back out again but did not enter any completion in the computer. I tell him and then say "I need the serial number of the installation" so he goes out and brings me back the serial number of the blah blah, not the item we installed. Freakin Jesus, I want to slap them! It looked like they were playing stupid again, and stupid was winning. You know what they say about "assume".
I cannot believe they pay people this much to do work like this, which I can't tell you what it is because I would have to kill you. It is simple but repetitive work, and yet they try to turn it into rocket science, which it is so clearly NOT.
Oh well, poor them, they just have to put up with me when they piss me off. Most of them, heck all of them are really great people and they are either working over or under their capabilities, which makes for a challenge any way you look at it. So to cheer myself up, I will share a picture with you.
This is my best, most famous picture. It is called "Morgan and the world upside down". It is Morgan the dog standing at the edge of the mighty Fraser River, what you see at the top of the picture is the trees on the other side of the river reflecting into the river. Lucky shot, but a prize winner none the less....
Somedays, being me takes courage my love...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Courage My Love - January 6, 2011
Another sucky rainy day on the wet coast. I keep checking my armpits for moss growth, seriously it is that bad here. Where is global warming? When is it coming here?
Birds are falling from the sky, fish are dying in the water and every conspiracy theorist has broken out in a fever of delight. I have heard everything from "toxic" bombs by the Taliban, to US military tests, and last but not least - the end of days as signified by the seven signs.
I cannot believe the world is ending, for me there would be a clearer sign, like winning the lottery, or waking up to elephants in the backyard. Mere fish and fowl don't scare me. I want a BIG sign, something neon and glowing that says "End of the World - the lineup begins here". But like TS would say, "not with a bang, but a whimper".
So here I am, six days into the New Year and it seems so far, anyway, very much like the old year. Work is mind numbing, bills are piling up, the sun doesn't shine and I seem to be caught on a round about, going in ever decreasing circles (actually that's a spiral isn't it??).
I have so far stuck to my resolutions. No recycling. None. It is such fun to dump everything in the garbage, none of the sort-sort-sort crap I have been doing. It's almost nostalgic, because that is the way we did it when I was a kid. Taking out the garbage was a "JOB" because you had like four trashcans each weighing about eighty pounds and they held everything your family had chucked away in the last week. Coffee grinds mixed freely with dead batteries and old paint tins, empty (but not washed) tins dripped over cardboard and newspapers and almost empty bleach bottles. Ahh the good old days...
Garbage is a business in the western world. Take my town for instance. I have two garbage bins (one for garbage and one for compostable items), 3 large plastic bags (for newspaper, cardboard and mixed paper)and one plastic box (for cans and bottles)into which I am supposed to sort all my trash. Then on the appointed day, I wheel the bins out, along with the presorted and packaged other bits in the plastic bags and box and put them at curbside. Not just any curbside, but exactly according to the instructions on top of the wheelie bins. Six inches from the side walk for the bins, one meter between them and one meter on either side, the plastic bags and box can sit on the side walk.
Lord who thought garbage could be so complicated? After all, it is shit I am throwing away!! I couldn't help myself when the garbage truck came down the road the other day, I just had to watch. It's an automated garbage truck for crying out loud! It is driven (thank goodness) up to the garbage bin, a big automated arm comes out and grabs the bin and chucks it in the truck and another arm pops out and grabs the other bin and dumps it. No guy hanging off the back of the truck, the whole thing took like 3 seconds. What did take time was the recycle truck, it had 3 guys who hopped out, CHECKED the recycle to make sure it was correct, dumped it all, folded the plastic bags nicely, placed them into the plastic box and left it neatly on the sidewalk.
Why can't we just ship it all to that third world country and let them sort it? Here we are doing all the sorting for them, so they can remanufacture tins and cars and gadgets and send them back to us via Walmart. Personally I think the entire state of Ohio could be the central repository for North America's garbage, I mean there is no industry left back east (remember it all moved to the third world) so the fine people of Ohio could store our garbage because basically there is nothing much that is nice about Ohio anyway.
Okay, enough ranting about recycling and garbage, there must be more in the world to talk about than that. Oh yeah, wow, I forgot - Sports. Not freaking likely. We live in a no sports household. We are committed to not watching it on TV, listening to it on the radio or reading about it. Okay we made a little leeway for the Olympics only because it was in town and I had tickets to the hockey game. Other than that, it is verboten. It is probably a good thing I don't have a boy around, cause they tend to like that sort of thing, at least it has become popular since they made the Romans stop throwing the Christians to the lions.
On the positive side of the ledger, I figured out how to bail money out of a locked in fund in Ontario. I did not realize I could get my hands on that money. Right now the fund pays me every month, but that's stupid because I am still working but the way it is set up, it pays out starting at age 55. So I started to read the fiscal rules regarding locked in pensions, and found that this particular pension fell under the jurisdiction of Ontario (as that is where the money was earned) so even if I live elsewhere it is ruled by Ontario rules. Right on, because the rules to the east are better than those here in the west. Ontario lets you remove what is known as "Small amounts" from locked in accounts if they are under 50% of the maximum yearly contribution, which this one was. I got all the relevant forms from the internet, went into my local bank today and educated a very nice young man on the finer points of the variance of laws across the country in regards to pension funds and proceeded to have him (after he checked with the powers that be, to find out I was right) remove the money from the fund and give it to me. Awesome! It's not a great deal of money (the clue was "small amount") but it will pay off some debt.
Between that money and my yearly bonus, I will be debt free and own my vehicle outright by June of this year. I didn't think it would happen that fast, but that is great, because now every dime I earn is mine, mine, mine. I can't wait to retire! The company I work for now, socks away about 12G a year in my current pension plan, plus I match that, so now I should be able to double the contribution.
The only goal for retirement should be "debt free", you actually don't need the million or so dollars the shysters have been telling you that you will need. I will own my home, my car and have cash in the bank, so what more do I need?
I guess all I need is about 40 more years to enjoy the retirement! Retirement takes courage, my love!!
Birds are falling from the sky, fish are dying in the water and every conspiracy theorist has broken out in a fever of delight. I have heard everything from "toxic" bombs by the Taliban, to US military tests, and last but not least - the end of days as signified by the seven signs.
I cannot believe the world is ending, for me there would be a clearer sign, like winning the lottery, or waking up to elephants in the backyard. Mere fish and fowl don't scare me. I want a BIG sign, something neon and glowing that says "End of the World - the lineup begins here". But like TS would say, "not with a bang, but a whimper".
So here I am, six days into the New Year and it seems so far, anyway, very much like the old year. Work is mind numbing, bills are piling up, the sun doesn't shine and I seem to be caught on a round about, going in ever decreasing circles (actually that's a spiral isn't it??).
I have so far stuck to my resolutions. No recycling. None. It is such fun to dump everything in the garbage, none of the sort-sort-sort crap I have been doing. It's almost nostalgic, because that is the way we did it when I was a kid. Taking out the garbage was a "JOB" because you had like four trashcans each weighing about eighty pounds and they held everything your family had chucked away in the last week. Coffee grinds mixed freely with dead batteries and old paint tins, empty (but not washed) tins dripped over cardboard and newspapers and almost empty bleach bottles. Ahh the good old days...
Garbage is a business in the western world. Take my town for instance. I have two garbage bins (one for garbage and one for compostable items), 3 large plastic bags (for newspaper, cardboard and mixed paper)and one plastic box (for cans and bottles)into which I am supposed to sort all my trash. Then on the appointed day, I wheel the bins out, along with the presorted and packaged other bits in the plastic bags and box and put them at curbside. Not just any curbside, but exactly according to the instructions on top of the wheelie bins. Six inches from the side walk for the bins, one meter between them and one meter on either side, the plastic bags and box can sit on the side walk.
Lord who thought garbage could be so complicated? After all, it is shit I am throwing away!! I couldn't help myself when the garbage truck came down the road the other day, I just had to watch. It's an automated garbage truck for crying out loud! It is driven (thank goodness) up to the garbage bin, a big automated arm comes out and grabs the bin and chucks it in the truck and another arm pops out and grabs the other bin and dumps it. No guy hanging off the back of the truck, the whole thing took like 3 seconds. What did take time was the recycle truck, it had 3 guys who hopped out, CHECKED the recycle to make sure it was correct, dumped it all, folded the plastic bags nicely, placed them into the plastic box and left it neatly on the sidewalk.
Why can't we just ship it all to that third world country and let them sort it? Here we are doing all the sorting for them, so they can remanufacture tins and cars and gadgets and send them back to us via Walmart. Personally I think the entire state of Ohio could be the central repository for North America's garbage, I mean there is no industry left back east (remember it all moved to the third world) so the fine people of Ohio could store our garbage because basically there is nothing much that is nice about Ohio anyway.
Okay, enough ranting about recycling and garbage, there must be more in the world to talk about than that. Oh yeah, wow, I forgot - Sports. Not freaking likely. We live in a no sports household. We are committed to not watching it on TV, listening to it on the radio or reading about it. Okay we made a little leeway for the Olympics only because it was in town and I had tickets to the hockey game. Other than that, it is verboten. It is probably a good thing I don't have a boy around, cause they tend to like that sort of thing, at least it has become popular since they made the Romans stop throwing the Christians to the lions.
On the positive side of the ledger, I figured out how to bail money out of a locked in fund in Ontario. I did not realize I could get my hands on that money. Right now the fund pays me every month, but that's stupid because I am still working but the way it is set up, it pays out starting at age 55. So I started to read the fiscal rules regarding locked in pensions, and found that this particular pension fell under the jurisdiction of Ontario (as that is where the money was earned) so even if I live elsewhere it is ruled by Ontario rules. Right on, because the rules to the east are better than those here in the west. Ontario lets you remove what is known as "Small amounts" from locked in accounts if they are under 50% of the maximum yearly contribution, which this one was. I got all the relevant forms from the internet, went into my local bank today and educated a very nice young man on the finer points of the variance of laws across the country in regards to pension funds and proceeded to have him (after he checked with the powers that be, to find out I was right) remove the money from the fund and give it to me. Awesome! It's not a great deal of money (the clue was "small amount") but it will pay off some debt.
Between that money and my yearly bonus, I will be debt free and own my vehicle outright by June of this year. I didn't think it would happen that fast, but that is great, because now every dime I earn is mine, mine, mine. I can't wait to retire! The company I work for now, socks away about 12G a year in my current pension plan, plus I match that, so now I should be able to double the contribution.
The only goal for retirement should be "debt free", you actually don't need the million or so dollars the shysters have been telling you that you will need. I will own my home, my car and have cash in the bank, so what more do I need?
I guess all I need is about 40 more years to enjoy the retirement! Retirement takes courage, my love!!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Courage My Love - December 31, 2010
We approach the end of another year. Not approach as in a train on the tracks, or a car on the road or even a meeting of two friends. It is more of a stumble, a lurching, shambling shuffle towards the edge of the mortal coil. The year is spent, gone, kerplunkt, caput, all the todays have become yesterdays and the days before yesterday.
Traditionally this is the time of year for endings, death and disaster. The deepest dark nights of winter, the harvest is over, the land dead and still, and little if any hope is left that the light will return. It is also the time that we begin to think (and hope) for what may come. The light, the heat, the chance to begin again. The new year is the first rebirth. Everyone gets a do over. Doesn't matter how bad you fucked up last year, you got a whole new year to try and fuck up less.
It is likened to blank pages, the chance to start again, the time to resolve that you will be better, faster, stronger. It is for wishes of what we could be if we weren't so (fill in the blanks) fat, ugly, stupid, slow, poor, insecure, greedy and it is for trying to get rid of all that we think is bad about us like (fill in the blanks) smoking, drinking, swearing, over eating. It's also a time to put away all the things that pissed us off in the last year. Politicians, lazy people, crooks, mean people, evil people, war, the price of gas, the line up in the grocery store, bad drivers. Just junk them, ditch them.
Making resolutions for the New Year has been, over the years, a source of erosion for my self esteem, since I never hold to them. I think I have found a couple that I can actually stick to for the upcoming year. I resolve to stop recycling. I mean it's a cash grab anyway, isn't it? They (whoever they may be) convince you to clean out dirty cans and bottles, stack your paper into like piles and place everything in a lovely box by the curbside every week. Cui Bono? Do I really think, that in my life time I will save one paltry tree in the wilderness, lessen our dependance on oil or buy back green space from Corporate America? Not likely. More likely is that the items I put out for recycle are collected and sold in bulk lots to overseas buyers who then make them into every tawdrier items that they resell back to me at inflated prices. So I quit. No more recycle for me. I will not wash out another tomato soup tin, or separate the newspaper from the cardboard. It all goes in one big pile in the garbage.
I feel better already. What else can I resolve for the year that at least stands a chance of success? Oh, I know. I will not file my taxes on time. Heck that was easy!
I will crank up the heat when I am cold instead of putting on the virtuous sweater. I resolve to continue smoking, and I may even take up drinking. I will stop ignoring assholes in traffic and join the throng that is showing them how they really feel with sign language.
And as for the days yet to come in this newest of years, who knows what they hold? The future may or may not be yours, you might live on for 50 more years or become a bug on a windshield tomorrow. What ever may come, all I know is that the future takes courage, my love.
Traditionally this is the time of year for endings, death and disaster. The deepest dark nights of winter, the harvest is over, the land dead and still, and little if any hope is left that the light will return. It is also the time that we begin to think (and hope) for what may come. The light, the heat, the chance to begin again. The new year is the first rebirth. Everyone gets a do over. Doesn't matter how bad you fucked up last year, you got a whole new year to try and fuck up less.
It is likened to blank pages, the chance to start again, the time to resolve that you will be better, faster, stronger. It is for wishes of what we could be if we weren't so (fill in the blanks) fat, ugly, stupid, slow, poor, insecure, greedy and it is for trying to get rid of all that we think is bad about us like (fill in the blanks) smoking, drinking, swearing, over eating. It's also a time to put away all the things that pissed us off in the last year. Politicians, lazy people, crooks, mean people, evil people, war, the price of gas, the line up in the grocery store, bad drivers. Just junk them, ditch them.
Making resolutions for the New Year has been, over the years, a source of erosion for my self esteem, since I never hold to them. I think I have found a couple that I can actually stick to for the upcoming year. I resolve to stop recycling. I mean it's a cash grab anyway, isn't it? They (whoever they may be) convince you to clean out dirty cans and bottles, stack your paper into like piles and place everything in a lovely box by the curbside every week. Cui Bono? Do I really think, that in my life time I will save one paltry tree in the wilderness, lessen our dependance on oil or buy back green space from Corporate America? Not likely. More likely is that the items I put out for recycle are collected and sold in bulk lots to overseas buyers who then make them into every tawdrier items that they resell back to me at inflated prices. So I quit. No more recycle for me. I will not wash out another tomato soup tin, or separate the newspaper from the cardboard. It all goes in one big pile in the garbage.
I feel better already. What else can I resolve for the year that at least stands a chance of success? Oh, I know. I will not file my taxes on time. Heck that was easy!
I will crank up the heat when I am cold instead of putting on the virtuous sweater. I resolve to continue smoking, and I may even take up drinking. I will stop ignoring assholes in traffic and join the throng that is showing them how they really feel with sign language.
And as for the days yet to come in this newest of years, who knows what they hold? The future may or may not be yours, you might live on for 50 more years or become a bug on a windshield tomorrow. What ever may come, all I know is that the future takes courage, my love.
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